Although I’m a strong person and psychologically well knowledge, it’s really hard to let him go for real, even though I know that I have no other choice. I just love him to death and can’t imagine living my life without him. I’ve pasted five stages of grief like 4 times, but it seems like I will need even more cycles of it, because after acceptance I’m coming back to either depression or denial. I taught I’m doing better than I could ever imagine, but I was wrong. I’m even crying now, while writing this. I don’t know if it’s because of those 4 years, or enormous love, but all I can say is that it is hard as hell.
I’m trying to open the new chapter of my life, but I keep coming back to the past, looking for something, I don’t even know for what. I know this will go away sooner or later, but for now it seems that destination “new life” is as far as it was in the beginning. People are telling me to be around close friends, but all I want is to be alone. I’m might falling to depression, but the fact that I understand it, doesn’t help me at all, it just makes me feel useless and hopeless, because I can't deal with it. Maybe I just don’t want to move on right now. Maybe I want to keep coming back to the past. But that means that I’m not that smart as I taught I’m. If this is the case I’ll stuck in the past and will never have my life again.
My heart is screaming from the pain I’m in now. I really want to take it off sometimes and say “calm down for a second, that’s not the end of the world”, but it keeps saying ”tell him how much you love him, tell him or you will feel me for the rest of your life”. However, I do realize that I’m not the only one who’s important in this particular situation. I should not focus on what I want or need. I know that pretty clear. This is one of the things that keeps me going little by little to hopefully the right destination. I respect him, so if he says he’s better without me, I’ll accept that. In fact, I have already accepted that, just my brains are going crazy with all the thoughts in it. However, something deep inside me prays for at least a little bit of hope to start everything again, even though I think I couldn’t do it, but I’ll try to destroy that hope. The sooner I’ll do it, the faster I’ll see things with a clear vision.
However, for now I’ll do everything in my power to let him go and if he will ever give me another chance, I’ll do everything in my power to get him back, if I will still feel that this is what I trully want. I hope I’m going to the right direction and everything will turn out fine. He’s a nice person even though he left me while I was on my holiday in different country, but as I said, I respect him and as I love him so much I could not do anything bad for him, so I wish him good luck in his life and I hope this is exactly what he wants.
For those, who does not understand why I’m blogging this hard experience of mine, I can say, that I’m doing it for others, who might feel a little bit better if they will feel they are not alone, that if anyone is in the similar situation as mine, maybe he or she will find a peace of wisdom, even though I think there is no wisdom in here, just a peace or random thoughts and hard feelings, but just knowing that you are not the only one, who’s going through a similar experience of life makes us feel better.
Sorry for the mistakes, English is not my mother tongue language, but I tried my best, so hopefully you can understand and appreciate it.
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